America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
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I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much