America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
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I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
the saddest jazz hands ever
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.