America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
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Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
black phone good
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*