Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

[phone rings]

ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.

Why enunciation matters:

9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers

Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???

9yo: …BOXES!

ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.