America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
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[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.