Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…

ME: Is it rich parents?

ARTICLE: … Yeah.

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

worst…sale…ever

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will

Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.