Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.

Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.

If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders

‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’

-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink

My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.

“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“

Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝

We found love in a hopeless place.

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a parapsychologist.

Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?

no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping

An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

Ape together strong

wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home

Me and my siblings:

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

Admin smashed it 😂

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays