Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

*1776

Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)I like it

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”

mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will

Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now

Bear attacking me: [bear noises]

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?

Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.

3-year-old:

Wife:

3-year-old: Babies are lazy.

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me

hey, alexa

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

ME: do you have any specials

PHARMACIST: what