Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

Ominous sub-editing fail of the day

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

Never forget.

I have so many questions.

If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”

Priest: “It’s because of the moon”

Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”

Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.

6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?

Me: Yes.

6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

[ autumn, 1579 ]

pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!

spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!

susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth

A Monday every week is excessive

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises