Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.

*rolls up sleeves*

*gets high on sleeves*

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.

My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

Bros before Ohioes

They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.

But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…