Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner

Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off

51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”

My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?

Gang member: *cocks gun*

Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.

The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.