Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

Do furries go to doctors or vets?

Roses are red
Violets are blue…

*running from the police and turning into an alley*

HER: Kiss me

HIM: What?

HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me

*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*

POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN

what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

Bit chilly again tonight.