America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
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there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I can’t stop watching this.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare