America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
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My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
What kind of a cult is this?
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
welp
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs