America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
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Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Super Hand Dog Face
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water