Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

The most accurate map ever devised.

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.

While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

my sentiments exactly

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

forgive me baja for i have blast