America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
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ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.