Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.

Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes

detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is

me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup

detective: what was it

me: starbucks

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!

Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

Squirrels before girls.

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t