Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

my friends when i can’t do basic math

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

Coffee for people with no kids

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

Only Americans understand

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”