Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*

*Adds history major to resumé*

[1994]

dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!

Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.

God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.