America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
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The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
i think both sides are to blame here
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Hot hot hot 🥵
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
i’m gonna allow it
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I’ve been lied to my entire life