Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.

When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”