America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
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If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.