America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
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Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?