AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
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AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
A double negative is a big no-no.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Drilling for oil is well boring.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
