America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
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Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.