America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
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Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
What the hell happened in there??
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit