Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again

When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?

Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.