Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

All my passwords are protected by short term memory loss.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family

Shift.

I meant SHIFT!

Oh god.

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

good work, detective

Penguins walking in 5x speed

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?