Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time

“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…

The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.

“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”

Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?

*the sky turns red and warm*

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish