AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
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I have two kinds of followers
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
🙄😏😂🤣
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Can Happiness buy money?
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.