Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.

Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.

adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.

Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994

Me, flirting😏

🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😩

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.

Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.

Me: Awww.

Date: *leans in for a kiss*

Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?