American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
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If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Wait a second…
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5