American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
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I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials