Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?

Me: …hiss like a cat?

Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter

they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie

A leaf blower, but for people.

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

Survivor: The Dryer Edition.

Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?

You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.

[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled

Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.