american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
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ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.