american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Going to the gym “naked” means without wearing headphones. I know this now.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
the icebreaker
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!