american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
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God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???