@aishaismad

American: COVID19 is super scary

European: Yes

American: Isn’t it crazy how expensive the test is?

European: What?

American: And that I have to go to work even if I’m sick?

European: Huh?

American: And don’t even get me started on quarantine co-pays

European: Co-what???

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@LurkAtHomeMom

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around

@3sunzzz

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

@Beatonm5

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

@ifuseekamynow

7: mommy can I play on your computer?
Me: later
7: what do you mean by later?
Me: I’m hoping you forget.

@shelbyfero

My safe word is “keep going.” It’s led to some HILARIOUS miscommunications let me tell you!

@markedly

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

@LizHackett

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

@El_nacho_Nigre

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

@iamspacegirl

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

@TweetsByKaylee

him: what are you studying?

me: engineering

him: wow! what do you plan on doing with the degree?

me: *drying beer glass* probably this