awesome draft from months ago i just found
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Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…