Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
American: COVID19 is super scary
American: Isn’t it crazy how expensive the test is?
American: And that I have to go to work even if I’m sick?
American: And don’t even get me started on quarantine co-pays
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What did watching Cinderella teach us?
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
7: mommy can I play on your computer?
7: what do you mean by later?
Me: I’m hoping you forget.
My safe word is “keep going.” It’s led to some HILARIOUS miscommunications let me tell you!
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
him: what are you studying?
him: wow! what do you plan on doing with the degree?
me: *drying beer glass* probably this