Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”

“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit