Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who

The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

[at the running of the bulls]

ME: imma try to pet ’em

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

*pronounces carrot like tarot*

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.

Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.

This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.

What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?

Well I couldn’t give two hoots.

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

I get sad when I see how old people my age are.

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.