Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like my therapist always says, that’ll be $175

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

[creation of kangaroo]

God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack

Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*

God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha

Angel: again with this shit

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one