American Horror Story: Public Restroom
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Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Discuss
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools