American Horror Story: Public Restroom
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Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”