Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?

In a pewpewpew

HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems

*i pick up my phone*

HER: your behavior is untenable

“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”

My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.

I said “Happy”

Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…

Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.

Discuss.

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.

(10 minutes later)

My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.