American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
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Simple enough.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
This rocks
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
