Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

Cucumbers Anonymous

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer

[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.

This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.

Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?

Me: my children, now give me the ring

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?

Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

me: i’ve been hearing voices

psychiatrist:

me:

psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

Day 4. They suspect nothing.

HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES