Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*

being a writer on Twitter:

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious