@Landon8426

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

@Easy_Tiger__

Guys remember: if you encounter a girl in her natural habitat, don’t panic. She’s just as scared as you. Make loud noises, she will run off.

@TheMongoose69

Had to get sticky tape and gift tags surgically removed from my body at the hospital…

Proving once again that white guys can’t wrap.

@alli_win

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

@notmythirdrodeo

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.

@SondraDeeMe

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

@underalls

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

@Kateness8

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

@jlock17

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?