American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

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no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them


Guys remember: if you encounter a girl in her natural habitat, don’t panic. She’s just as scared as you. Make loud noises, she will run off.


Had to get sticky tape and gift tags surgically removed from my body at the hospital…

Proving once again that white guys can’t wrap.


I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.


You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.


I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.


Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar


Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me


If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?