Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
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[Imagine Dragons Concert]
me, a rebel: *thinking about cats*
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson
The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Driving around picking up hitchhikers until I find one that’s feeling murdery.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.