American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
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CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
every. time.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.