Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine

Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding

Me: I- I gotta know

Cashier: know what?

Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.

scan me

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

[First Date]

*staring up at the stars

Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”

Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”

*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops

Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?

The baby cheese crust.

Am getting real tired of your crap…

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.