Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.

Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.

My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued

Inkling sounds like a baby octopus

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.