Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

What I said: Brush your teeth!

What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.

[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

Denise please return my vape pen

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

This guy gets it.

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”

5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”

Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”

5-year-old: “……yeah!”

Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”

😒🤦‍♂️😒🤦‍♂️