AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
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Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.