Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They also CAN sing✌️

imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in physics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!

OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???

(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah

*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible