[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
🤣could you imagine
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
