[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Does beer think about me too?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
