American voters doing the deep research today before voting.
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The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”
2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about