American voters doing the deep research today before voting.
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Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.