American voters doing the deep research today before voting.
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Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
#oldknees
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia