Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass

Boss: We need a name for our film studio

Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea

1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t

Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox

1-up Karl: *looks at camera*

Me: I like the funny horse cartoon

Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it

Me: haha the cops a cat

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

My last name is Zilla.

It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]