Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

alcoholic: you drive me to drink

designated driver: ok

These aliens are taking forever.

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.

i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

*As the Titanic sinks*

Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album

Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO

[ER visits, by age]

Doctor: How did this happen?

Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long

Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long

All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.

She meant goals

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia