Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)

i really liked this one

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

I’m calling the cops.

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

…

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”

Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit