Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete

Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.

You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office

TRICERATOPS: I have three horns

QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”

Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂