American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
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when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
How times have changed.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.