Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what’s the point then??

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

Me: I’m cutting back on wine!

Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .

[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]

“Dammit!”

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

every time I roll over in the middle of the night

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

Me: Do you like being right-handed?

Hubby: Umm, sure… why?

Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…

These dogs look like they have good credit.