Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
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Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I can’t stop watching this.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.