MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
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Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Sometimes you meet someone and know instantly how much you regret leaving your home.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Sometimes I’ll break into a house to turn down a thermostat
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh