@nikkithecanuck

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

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@inmynewskin

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

@sugarwits

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

@TheAlexNevil

Sometimes you meet someone and know instantly how much you regret leaving your home.

@J0hnnyBlaze

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

@CheeseDaydreams

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

@MunkMania

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@bellicosejason

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

@ArfMeasures

Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs

Judge: And that you killed a man

Me: put a gun against his head

Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead

Judge: mama

@HiddenPinky

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh