“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
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(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
What do you hear?
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.