Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase

cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.

Something Saturday.

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were

When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

I stand by it

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.