Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.

Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?

Meowchelangelo

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.

*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour

Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]