Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.

Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!

People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old

My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

I’m calling the cops.

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me:

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

“We’re taking it to another level.”

-escalators

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play