Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:

Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!

Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

#MeanwhileinCanada

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

Go hard or stay average

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:

“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”

Geez. Give us a break already.

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte

As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.

As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.

As a man of men, I eat the beans again…

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones