Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free

Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful

Her: what was that about?

Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off

Her: at the zoo tho?

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.