Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
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Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
want me to check your oil?
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Twitter is an abusement park.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.