Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
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The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?