*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
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me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
There is wisdom there.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.