*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
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Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
In space, no one can hear…
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”