Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
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My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…