Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald’s employee: ok

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

Nobody:

The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.

Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.