Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
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I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.