Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
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My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Nomnomnomnom
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I can also cook 😂
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
This is a sub tweet
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time