Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
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Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.